As a young girl, I always felt like there was something special about me - like I was destined for something - - something special or unique. And, although my parents were always very loving and extremely encouraging, I don't remember this being a resounding message in our home. So where this idea of a life purpose came from, I have no idea, but what I do know is that this question was ever-present in my mind.When I was in the 5th grade and got a standing ovation for my performance as Mrs. Claus in the Christmas play at my school, I remember thinking, "This must be it - I'm going to be a famous actress!" But then sixth grade came, two elementary schools merged to one, and I was no longer the only girl with a lot of personality. The star role of Dorothy went to another famous student actress and I got the Tinman – most likely because of my impressive height. . . "I guess that's not it."
Through middle school and even my early years in high school, I remember rehearsing my speeches or answering the many questions of the intrigued yet imaginary reporters that I talked to in the long mirror in my room. One day it would be because I was the most popular yet kindest girl in school, the next day it would be because I was the true inspiration for the most popular boy in school who was also my boyfriend. . . all of these reasons were imaginary as well I might add.
I would certainly have been mortified if my parents or my brothers ever caught me "talking to myself," but I did it anyway - for several years! I did it long enough to actually wonder whether it was normal. "Do other teenagers do this? Maybe they do but no one knows because who would admit to doing it?" I remember asking myself. And now, looking back, I wonder sometimes whether this role playing actually pacified me. I was yearning to answer this question of my purpose and until I could, I played it out.
When I was fifteen, I met one of the cutest boys ever - but he was different from the others, he was deaf. And the very next day I went to our school library and checked out "The Joy of Sign." I learned how to sign the lyrics of all my favorite songs and, as a result, was able to piece words together to form my own sentences - only in front of the mirror in my room of course - - when I actually tried to sign for REAL communication purposes, my mind would go blank. But this feeling of being able to help other people really sat with me. I loved the idea that I could potentially be the bridge between the deaf and the hearing - how special that would be. . . THAT must be my purpose!
So special education became my passion and the summers of my sophomore and junior years, I decided to acquire my community service time for my college applications by volunteering at the Charleton School - the very school that Reily now attends. I worked in the 5 to 7 year old class and loved every second of it!
My senior year in high school I had one extra elective class to fill, so I chose to serve as a tutor/mentor to one of the mainstreamed special education classes. These students were my own peers that I and many of my other classmates really never saw. Their classrooms were always at the very end of the hall and they stayed to themselves pretty much.
They were excited when I got to their class and we would start each period by talking about things we related to - outside of our academics. Then we would move to whatever assignments they had - an addition mathematics worksheet or a reading comprehension assignment. I was conscious of the fact that they looked up to me and that any words of encouragement I offered them, they would eat up. They wanted to impress me and, as a result, I would express my pride or surprise with their accomplishments regularly.
My experience with the cute boy, Charleton, and my special education friends only reinforced my desire to help kids - not typical kids, but kids that most people are afraid to interact with. - - “THIS is truly what I’m meant to do! I am going to be a special education teacher! I am going to be the best special education teacher in the whole United States. I am going to develop some special techinque that will help these student be successful, prosper, and surpass most people's expectations!"
I was so convinced that this was my life's purpose that, during one of my interviews for a college scholarship, I remember telling the panel, "I know I'm going to do big things. I love watching 60 Minutes every Sunday and I just have this feeling inside that one day they'll be doing a piece on me." I must have been pretty convincing - all those imaginary interviews probably helped - because I got the scholarship, but, honestly what kid says stuff like that?!
So off I went to college to be a special education teacher. Temple University - Big college, big city - the perfect place for someone with big dreams! But, as life would have it, the "lovestruck" part of me rationalized me returning home, and after a year and a half of an impressive academic run, my dream of purpose became a dream deferred.
Drama, turmoil, and hard life lessons followed over the next several years and drowned out the once ever-present yearning to find my destiny. For some unknown reason, however, the question returned with a vengeance the night of my 29th birthday. I was a single mom with no degree, a full-time job in accounting (of all things), a mortgage, and an unsteady relationship. . ."What are you doing and where are you going!?"
This awakening resulted in an "all about me" approach to life. I was determined to find the answer to this question but my approach would have to be modified. I had more than me to think about now - I had my eight year old daughter Kori and financial responsibilities I had to consider. It wasn't just about me anymore. . . And the resounding question was no longer just about me, but about her too - what is HER purpose??
Quickly I returned to school, still continued to work full time and raise my daughter. My education goals had changed - no longer was I going to school for special education. "Why should I? I'm already in a career in business, might as well take advantage of that." But I was moving forward, no longer stagnant or in the same place mentally or emotionally. With my new drive and outlook on life, my personal life also took a huge turn for the better as well and a little over a year after my "awakening," I married the love of my life. . . "Maybe that's my purpose? To be a loving, supportive mom and wife. . . That'll work, I guess."
And it did - for a little over a year . . . But a few months after the birth of our daughter Reily, the true answer to that burning, lifelong question erupted out of my soul and heart with fury. The realization that Reily would have special needs rang a bell inside me that had been still for so long. And all of the pieces from my past started to come together.
My impressive debut as Mrs. Claus in a gym full of observing adults prepared me and planted the seed of confidence to advocate publicly for my daughter who cannot speak for herself. My fondness for the cute boy equipped me with the basic sign language knowledge I needed to communicate with Reily's teachers and administrators at the Delaware School for the Deaf that she attended for a year. My volunteer work at Charleton eased my anxiety about Rei's experience at a "special" school. And even the drama and turmoil that I experienced for several years toughened my skin and made me realize how strong a person I truly am.
I've found my purpose - It's there in her eyes. She doesn't say it, sign it, or even point to it - She
just looks at me with her exceptionally beautiful eyes and I see it there. "I'm your purpose, Mommy. You can do it. You will fight for me - You will fight for us. You will help families like ours. You've got everything you need now. I know you can do it - I love you," Reily's eyes tell me everyday and I am filled.
